This post is going to tackle something very serious. How does it feel to not feel at all?
Many people would agree that feelings just plain suck. The feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety, are just terrible things to experience. And most people would pray for these feelings to go away. But have you ever experienced feeling nothing at all?
This is something I have experienced, and I will tell you right now that it has been the hardest thing I have ever been through.
Now I have made many mistakes in my life, which I will talk about another day. But these mistakes affect me every day. The first couple of times I made terrible decisions, feelings of regret and pity washed over me. I wanted to change, I wanted to be a completely new person. I spent many nights crying, praying to God to guide me in the right direction to be a better human being. Then I made some more terrible decisions, which again affected my life greatly. At this point I felt depressed, self loathing, and disgust. I hated myself for doing the things I was doing, but why couldn’t I stop? Why couldn’t I just grow up and change?
Then the most recent poor decision took place, and that is when I hit rock bottom. Now your probably wondering what all of these terrible decisions I made were. Like I said, these are stories for another day. This article is not meant to inform you on all my mistakes, it is to inform you on the feelings of nothingness I became all too familiar with. After this recent decision I made, I felt absolute misery. I have never felt that low in my life. It was to the extent where I went to my room that day and googled the easiest ways to end a life. I’m not proud of admitting this, but in order to explain these emotions I must tell you this. For a couple of hours I googled the fastest and least painful ways. During my search something happened, and I all of a sudden lost interest. Not because I felt better, but because I felt nothing. I didn’t feel depressed anymore, I didn’t feel angry or hatred. I felt nothing. And this is the scariest feeling I have ever experienced.
I could not find any ounce of emotion in my whole body. My smiles were forced and meaningless. My laugh was acted and pitiful. My interest was made up. And my tears were no where to be found. I felt like I was screaming inside my head, but it just wouldn’t come out. I wanted someone to just reach out to me, and open some magical door to let these emotions out. I spent every second of my free time sleeping, or just staring off into space. I lost interest in everything I once loved.
One night I had an insanely realistic dream. I was sick, and slowly dying. I closed my eyes knowing I was about to pass. The feeling that washed over me is something I will never be able to fully explain. You know when you ride on a roller coaster? And you get to the top of the drop? That feeling when you start to descend, the one where you can’t breath and it feels like your stomach is about to come out of your throat. That’s what I felt for a split second before I died, except it was much more intense. And then that was it, I was dead. I stayed there with my eyes shut, scared to open them to see where I ended up. Scared to open them and see what eternity looked like. Was I going to live my eternity in the pits of Hell? Or in the presence of the Lord? I managed to force myself to open my eyes and I was blinded by the incredibly bright sun. There were small cottages lined up. The grass was insanely green and there was not one hint of anger or sadness. The feeling of happiness was overwhelming. The tears filled my eyes because of the amount of joy I was experiencing. Then I woke up. Tears still in my eyes, I cried, because that feeling of happiness was gone. And I was brought back to my sad depressing reality.
I longed to feel that happiness again. And I still do. I still pray for that same dream to occur, just so I can experience those feelings again.
This dream is exactly what I needed. Yes, it was only a dream. But it showed me that I can feel. And that I will not feel like this forever, this nothingness. This dream helped me understand that this is what I can experience for all eternity, if I just straighten up. If I make an actual change and live my life more honorably. This is easier said then done, but it was the boost I needed. It was the motivation I needed to tell myself, “It’s time to live a better life”. I know I will make many more poor decisions through out my life, and I will more then likely feel this nothingness once again. But if I can just hang onto this dream, and remember the way I felt, I feel like I can conquer it. Because one day I won’t be here on earth any longer, and the way I choose to live my life today will effect the way I spend eternity. And I choose happiness.